Blogger Children

17 Nov

Blogger children have evolved from regular children and are a relatively new breed. The first Blogger Children were sighted in the late 80’s, they are now globally rampant and threatening to displace regular children.

Blogger children are more independent than regular children, they have to be, they are forced to fend for themselves for large periods of the day whilst their parent fannies around with Instagram and Pinterest. They are largely starved of attention and are forced to delve into their vivid imaginations, often inventing games that last for hours on end armed with nothing more than an i-Pad. Mimicking behaviour sees blogger children show unhealthy levels of fascination in phones, laptops and computers, in fact anything with lights and buttons.

Their habitat is usually a little dishevelled and there is a good reason for this, whilst regular parents spend their days ensuring that their nests are kept clean and tidy, the Blogger Parent is too busy ‘networking’ to give a damn about the hoovering or emptying the dishwasher.

Whilst regular children enjoy a healthy and nutritious diet lovingly prepared by their regular parents, the Blogger Parent is known for their habit of making half arsed sandwiches or special toast sandwiches. Having frittered away three hours of Blogger Child sleep time in a flurry of Facebook Status Updates, the Blogger Parent is left in a state of panic and putting something between two slices of bread is usually the best they do.

Blogger Children grow up with a sense of self importance and often see themselves as Alpha children, they habitually mock Regular Children pointing out that they are not worthy of a website entirely in their honour.

Blogger Children are social creatures, this is a survival technique, unlike regular children who spend their days at parks and the beach, Blogger Children spend an exorbitant amount of their time at ‘events’. Blogger Children can show signs of anger at said events, doing their best to accommodate PR interns who have been promoted to Blogger Child minders for the day. Their mood lifts a little as they forage for items of interest in the ubiquitous goodie bag.

The vocabulary of a Blogger Child also separates them from their regular peers. Whilst mumma and dadda seems to be high up on the regular child’s speaking agenda, Blogger Children are more likely to say widget or gone viral.

It is uncertain whether Blogger Children will continue to thrive, but it seems the global thirst for cupcake recipes and tips on toilet training will see them reach endemic proportions. If you want to see one in the wild head to your nearest cafe that offers free wi-fi. Do not pet them, feed them or even have eye contact with them, they are wild animals.

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28 Responses to “Blogger Children”

  1. Lisa November 17, 2012 at 2:51 am #

    Haha, what a sensational read! Those poor, blogger children ;)

    • daddownunder November 17, 2012 at 2:54 am #

      Thanks Lisa – watch out for a Planet Earth type series dedicated to them

  2. Wendy November 17, 2012 at 2:57 am #

    They could be breastfeed in their early life as this activity allegedly gives their Mum hours of ‘free’ time while bub is feeding to play on crackbook or pinterest :-)

  3. Vanessa November 17, 2012 at 3:27 am #

    Blogger children are often (considerately) poor sleepers allowing Blogger Mums and Dads to blog /tweet that magnificent idea at 3am without fear of forgetting what it was, they also allow for utilising that off-peak data telcos supposedly have.

    • daddownunder November 17, 2012 at 3:40 am #

      Like it Vanessa, you sound like your talking from experience.

  4. Rachel Wernicke (@RedcliffeStyle) November 17, 2012 at 4:18 am #

    I have the ultimate blogger children. They started their own blog and throw blogging terms around willy nilly. Rachel x

    • daddownunder November 17, 2012 at 4:19 am #

      A glimpse intot he future perhaps Rachel ; )

  5. Elisha November 17, 2012 at 6:13 am #

    Ha ! Love it! So true though that their 2 hour lunch sleep always goes so quickly. Before I know it they are awake and I haven’t left the keyboard!!

    • daddownunder November 17, 2012 at 8:21 am #

      Max is a 4 hour sleeper, I still squander it!

  6. Angela November 17, 2012 at 7:53 am #

    hahaha boy those Blogger Children are so lucky. They will be grow up to be completely independent and incredibly advanced with all things technology. Their parents sure know how to raise them ;-)

  7. Lisa@RandomActsOfZen November 17, 2012 at 8:18 am #

    Fabulous!! My blogger child thinks everything, eg: dogs digging a hole, is worthy of a post. Think she’s putting together some ideas for her own :)

  8. Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions November 17, 2012 at 8:27 am #

    Gold Matt, absolutely gold! You’ve taken a brilliant idea and run with it and I love it!

    Spot on with the unnatural interest in phones and iPads! I had to buy Mia her own kids version of an iPhone just so she won’t sook at me for mine!

    • daddownunder November 17, 2012 at 8:37 am #

      Thanks Kylez, you’re rapidly becoming my no. 1 fan, even though I did ruin your fantasy ; )

  9. Itsacircusinhere November 17, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    Hahahaha this post I just love.I feel like so much of this resinates with me of late!!!And against all odds my blogger children are doing quiet well and thriving in their new habitat!!!Thanks for the giggle.

  10. Zanni Arnot November 17, 2012 at 9:54 am #

    Brilliant. Though I am feeling a little guilty….

    • daddownunder November 17, 2012 at 10:16 am #

      Your safe round here Zanni, guilt is par for the course ; )

  11. Nikki Parkinson (@StylingYou) November 17, 2012 at 9:56 am #

    As blogger children get older they are required to become photographers, skilled at both phone and regular cameras! Great post Matt

    • daddownunder November 17, 2012 at 10:16 am #

      Thanks Nikki, glad to hear they continue to serve a purpose ; )

  12. Julie November 19, 2012 at 11:49 pm #

    Oh no! I think I am raising a blogger child. At 11 moths Jarvis’s favourite things include computer and phones. Playing dress-ups and having photos taken of himself. All of this is topped by seeing photos and videos of himself.

    http://iliska-dreams.blogspot.com.au/

    • daddownunder November 20, 2012 at 1:01 am #

      Little Jarvis is showing all the symptoms of being a text book blogger child!

  13. Vic @ The Melbourne Dad November 21, 2012 at 11:50 pm #

    Hahaha, I think my bub is a reluctant blogger child too, she must be wondering why her dad points this thin black brick (aka iphone) at her all the time, asking her to smile.

    • daddownunder November 22, 2012 at 12:55 am #

      There will certainly be no shortage of photos for the blogger children to look back on Vic. I am off for a gander at your blog.

  14. sammy @ Little Pink Lines June 13, 2013 at 9:38 pm #

    hahahahahahahahahaha! That’s all I’ve got!

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