Let’s Talk About Sex (Post) Baby

27 Nov

You can’t really claim to be a bona fide blogger, until you write a post embarrassing enough for the next conversation you have with your mum to be a little awkward. So here goes. For reasons unbeknownst to me I feel compelled to go into the deep and murky waters of SEX post-baby.  I suspect that mums are far more likely to discuss this topic than Dads, we mainly discuss sport, beer and the weather you see, so in the spirit of sharing I think it’s only fair you have a dad’s perspective.

Sex pre-Max was a little like good beer, it was on tap and it put a smile on my face. Whilst watching on with morbid curiosity as Mrs Under’s nipple was rhythmically thrust back and forth through a pump, I wondered if sex would ever occur again. Breast pumps have all the aphrodisiac potential of a hairy man in a thong…………..or so I am told anyhow.

There is no shortage of contraceptive symptoms for life post baby. There is the fact that you have recently witnessed a blue creature emerge from a place that is normally reserved for the two of you. Watching Mrs Under give birth combined an overwhelming sense of joy and beauty with an overwhelming desire to look away and/or faint.

Once mother and child are safely home the chances of any amorous behaviour is curtailed by the fact that everyone is asleep, exhausted or in tears. Throw in a ready supply of baby sick, the afore mentioned pump that reduced Mrs Under to a dairy cow, a wife coming to terms with some bodily adjustments, a mysterious little person I don’t really know sharing our bedroom and a husband trying to come to terms with all of the above and you do not have the makings of a passionate encounter.

On those tough parent days, you know the ones I mean,  we both look at one another and without saying anything acknowledge that it was sex that got us into this mess in the first place and should therefore be regarded a s the enemy. Even the simple pleasure of holding hands has its challenges, one of you is generally laden with nappies and other baby paraphernalia whilst the other is pushing a pram, two handed jobs if ever there were.

Time is a wonderful healer though and like a long lost pet you once loved (another really awful analogy) the sex has returned – hoorah! The act of foreplay is now checking and double checking that Max is asleep and it’s every bit as satisfying to find out that he is. No longer like a good beer sex now bares comparison to a fine wine, getting better with age and reserved for special occasions.

I am off to seek Mrs Under’s approval for this post, what you read will have had 50 Shades of Censorship for anything divorce worthy. I suspect that this is all a little tame for the subject matter and for that I apologise, but I am a man and I did try, so I deserve points for that surely? I look forward to that awkward conversation with my Mum.

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32 Responses to “Let’s Talk About Sex (Post) Baby”

  1. Mumabulous November 27, 2012 at 2:48 am #

    I really like Reservoir Dad’s theory that men who do the housework get more action in the sack. I really, really, really like that theory. I’ve no doubt that as a SAHD you’re chalking up many brownie points there.
    I’ll be serious for a moment – for myself (and I’m sure many other parents) the reason that my mojo’s gone AWOL is that there are little people clinging to me all day – all day. In the evening I crave my own space. I’ve been hugging, kissing, comforting, lifting and dressing my kids for a twelve hour stretch and I can’t take any more intimacy. I still find my husband attractive but I “vant to be alone” until it all starts again the next morning.

    • daddownunder November 27, 2012 at 4:04 am #

      You will have men up and down the country getting their hoovers out!

      • Julie November 27, 2012 at 5:46 am #

        Justin almost got lucky because for the first time in our six year relationship he made the bed. I say almost because the lure of a bed made by someone other than myself was too much for me to handle. I just wanted to lay there and enjoy the clean sheets.

        http://iliska-dreams.blogspot.com.au/

      • daddownunder November 27, 2012 at 7:36 am #

        Poor old Justin, still you can’t beat that fresh sheet feeling!

  2. becc03 November 27, 2012 at 4:47 am #

    I agree with everything mumabulous says…there is little left to add :)
    Becc via #ibot

    • daddownunder November 27, 2012 at 7:38 am #

      and I agree with both of you, a day with a toddler does not exactly set the right tone

  3. Jessica November 27, 2012 at 9:58 am #

    great post! and i third mumabulous’ comment! I have a 3 month old and a 2.5 year old and I am sooo tired at the moment I can’t be bothered but lucky I have a wonderful husband who is working plus reaping at the moment too and is also soooo tired he cant be bothered either!

    • daddownunder November 27, 2012 at 10:03 am #

      Thanks Jessica. Yeah three month old babies are a little prohibitive. Parenting can be distinctly unsexy

  4. Jessi November 27, 2012 at 10:36 am #

    I am the opposite!I would rather go lay in bed with my husband then do the dishes or washing..possibly why we have 4 children?!Yes?No?
    Canoodling is no longer harmful in eventuating in 3 month olds on our home.

  5. evilgeniusmum November 27, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    I love the fact that you were all brave and stuff, talking about this… and still had it reviewed by Mrs Under. Did that help your points tally? :) Would have been bonus points if you’d made her a cup of tea while she reviewed.

    • daddownunder November 27, 2012 at 11:12 am #

      You can never have enough points evilgeniusmum

  6. SarahMac November 27, 2012 at 10:50 am #

    Bahaha!!!!! Seriously, how hot is that breast pump action! Don’t get me started on the sexifying factor of poo explosions and wee on the marital bedsheets! Hold me back!

    • daddownunder November 27, 2012 at 11:13 am #

      I think I was spared poo explosions and wee, but I can imagine ; )

  7. Dirty Blonde November 27, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    This post has made me realise how far I’ve come in my parenting journey – no more breastpumps, milky sick, overwhelming tiredness. God bless my nearly two year old!

    Sex post baby for me however has been with a man who isn’t my husband. I strongly believe that marriages can only survive / thrive (?) with regular physical contact. And of course lots of communication during those times when the thought of sex makes one / both of you run for the hills.

    You probably shouldn’t listen to me though, I’m no expert…

  8. BossyMummy November 27, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    Mmmmmm, clean sheets ;)

  9. x S.K.K x November 29, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

    This is completely awesome and loved every word! Great job in the sharing department! Haha

    • daddownunder November 30, 2012 at 5:48 am #

      Thank you Sarah – its good to share ; )

  10. always josefa (@always_josefa) November 30, 2012 at 12:59 am #

    this is just brilliant!
    absolutely loved it
    so many parts i could quote you on and say “just perfect”
    off to share on twitter – too good to keep to myself
    xx

    • daddownunder November 30, 2012 at 5:48 am #

      Thanks for spreading the love……so to speak ; )

  11. Parental Parody November 30, 2012 at 5:43 am #

    Nailed it.

    The post. The whole sex after baby thing. Not Mrs Under. I’m guessing. Unless it was a good day.

    • daddownunder November 30, 2012 at 5:50 am #

      That is quite an expression PP. Its not one we use in NEgland but I think I can read between the lines……and no ; )

  12. Catherine Rodie Blagg November 30, 2012 at 9:14 pm #

    I love your beer/wine analogies! My bro-in-law compares watching child birth to watching your favourite pub burn to the ground.

    • daddownunder December 1, 2012 at 6:42 am #

      Not sure Mrs under shares your love for my analogies on our sex life, ho hum ; )

  13. mamagrace71 December 2, 2012 at 1:05 am #

    Oh, crack me up! Not wanting to ruin your celebration in getting back to the bedroom rhythm, don’t forget that getting back to some bow chica bow wow means the possibility of going through the whole cycle of having another baby! Enjoy!

    • daddownunder December 2, 2012 at 4:10 am #

      The thought had occurred to me, what can I say I’m a risk taker : )

  14. Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye December 6, 2012 at 9:23 am #

    Ah it happens to the beast of us. Actually no, it happens to all of us!

  15. losingmylemons June 6, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

    I also relate to mumabulous’ comment – after parenting 3 children I am totally ‘affectioned’ out!

    Although it is quite remarkable what a bubble bath, a massage and a quick run over with the Hoover (all by t’husband) and few bottles of Chablis (all by me) can do to perk one up!

    I find 2 bottles is the limit though, any more and I either start dancing around the kitchen, embarrass myself on Facebook or fall asleep. :)

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 1:15 pm #

      It basically sounds like you need all the stars to align Sarah, not sure how the Hoover finds its way into the foreplay though : )

      • Sarah June 6, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

        Re the Hoover… I think you need to be more open-minded DDU! :)

      • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 9:58 pm #

        I walked into that

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Caught my eye Friday – Sex, more sex and homophones | the illiterate infant - November 29, 2012

    [...] look away, look back again, look away, book a trip to inland Australia… Well done Matt from Daddownunder and Jess at EssentiallyJess that both managed to put together articles that were both entertaining [...]

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