Domesticus Godus

On the 6th Day of Christmas my Aussie Dad Bloggers gave to me – “why do men sniff their clothes before putting them on?” I will gladly answer that question for you Sarah MacFarlane, but I won’t stop there I will go onto divulge even more man secrets that make us Misunderstood Domestic Gods, that’s right people – Gods of the domestic variety! There are two sides to the Stay at Home coin, there is the staying at home and being a Dad side, which I’m quite partial to. Then there is the having the home look and feel homely and not like a gruesome crime scene side, this side is a work in progress and we are learning to get along but there will never be any liking happening.

I have always been a reluctant chore doer fitting seamlessly into the category of chore don’t’er. Inside I am still that teenage boy who needed the incentive of pocket money to clean his bedroom, since that’s been removed my enthusiasm has waned. The first time Mrs Under spent a night at my place it wasn’t actually my bedroom she stayed in, it was my cleaner, tidier, more wholesome housemate’s bedroom that happened to be visiting his parents at the time. When Mrs Under discovered she had been misled she was furious………………until I opened the door to my love nest and she was visibly relieved.

In pursuit of stay at home parenting perfection, or perhaps to avoid being nagged at, I have devised a complex 2 phase system to put the sweet in our home sweet home. I’ve basically taken housework to the next level people; if housework were a computer game I’ve completed it with lives to spare and an all-time high score. Like all good complex 2 phase systems this one has a motto – “Minimum Effort for Maximum Husband Points”. Ironing, cleaning, washing, folding;; I’ve gone through all of them with a fine tooth comb, taking out as much actual man hours and effort as I possibly can and asked myself along the way “what is the lowest possible standard that would be accepted” and the results are quite extraordinary.

Washing – I approach washing like I approach love making, let’s get this over and done with so I can have a nice lie down. There are two phases to the washing process; the first is “The Sniff Test”. From the beginnings of time early man has been sniffing his loin cloth to see if it needs a rinse. Sniff the garment in and around the most potentially fragrant areas, for shirts this means the pits and for pants we’re talking the crutch. All but the stinkiest clothes will pass the Sniff Test, given that some well-placed cologne can cover a multitude of smelly sins. Phase 2 is “The Stain Test”. Check the garment for offending stains; some stains are acceptable, for example if you have some crayon on your t-shirt that suggests you’re Dad of the Year material introducing your child to artistic pursuits (sometimes I even draw the crayon on myself to give that impression). However if the stain is in and around the crotch area wash it otherwise you are risking having your Dad of the Year nomination revoked, permanently. By undertaking these two simple tests you will find you have eliminated over half the washing in the wash basket, saving you crucial man hours and meaning you can enjoy that well-earned lie down. **Don’t worry about separating the colors, if you do happen to accidentally dye something, simply wrap it up and tell your partner you love them dearly and bought them a gift; minimum effort for maximum husband points in full effect!

Drying – I have the same approach to drying as I do to foreplay, is it really necessary? Both seem quite important to Mrs Under so I begrudgingly do them. Again there are two phases to drying clothes. The first phase is to grab the entire bundle and scatter them across whatever furniture you own that has the biggest surface area, this could be a table, the sofa or if you’re really lucky a pool table. Leave them for a couple of hours to partially dry, this takes about a minute and allows you to put the task off a little longer. Phase 2 requires you to drape the clothing over your garden fence thus removing any need for any pegs and saving you precious time. You will also find that your neighbours are less likely to engage you in meaningless small talk after they’ve been forced to admire your leopard print briefs all afternoon.

Folding –Phase 1 – after shaking off any unwanted possum excrement from the clothes that had been drying on the garden fence, scoop them up into a bundle and simply throw them on the bed. Phase 2 – wait for your partner to come home from work and plead ignorance, “Max! What have I told you about going into mummy and daddy’s wardrobe and pulling out all of the clothes?” They will usually crack and do it themselves and “to their standard”.

Ironing – Ironing is the most infuriating of all the chores, or at least it used to be before I gave it the Domestic God treatment. I’ve found that if you wear a garment whilst it’s still a little bit wet it actually straightens itself out, therefore not only do you save time from ironing but it also reduces unnecessary drying time. Denim can lead to chafing but is a little irritation really so bad in pursuit of domestic godliness? I think not.

And there you have it ladies, I have taken you from washing to ironing in about 6 minutes, in the early days it might take you a little longer until you perfect it, but hang on in there and one day you too could be a domestic god(dess).