Occupation – Blogger

12 Mar

For a man who thinks an iPad is something your doctor may apply to a bad case of conjunctivitis, stumbling into the world of blogging was a little unexpected. Twitter irks me, downloads bypass me, iphones baffle me and to cap things off I am the proud owner of a disc man. I am a convicted technophobe and the only 30something I am aware of who is still adversely affected by a lack of phone credit. Blogging on the other hand is freakin addictive, “can you change Max’s nappy darling?” “sorry not now, I’m contemplating adjusting my widgets”. “He really needs a change” “did you not hear me, I AM ADJUSTING MY WIDGETS WOMEN!”

When filling out forms, under occupation I have started to put Blogger (a bare faced lie of an occupation, occupation after all suggests some form of monetary exchange). I shoehorn it into everyday conversations with clumsy intent, “what a nice day it is” “yes it is a nice day, a nice day to Blog, for I am a Blogger you see”. It’s not that I am an egomaniac, self promoting, serial lying, needy, pompous twit (actually I think that might be a very apt description), I’ve just got the bug or should that be Blug (no it probably shouldn’t).

My favourite thing about blogging is the Blog statistics which reveal all sorts of interesting data. On the 8th March 2012 two people found my Blog by searching “my dad’s bollocks” on Google, 1 person finding you that way is odd but to get 2 is truly incredible and a little bit concerning. I can only imagine his (for some reason I imagine the offender being a he) disappointment when he found my Blog. The stats also reveal that most of my followers (something quite conceited about putting the words “my” and “followers” together, makes me sound a bit like Jesus) are immediate family members, a sorry state of affairs really. Most surprising of all the stats showed me that on one day I received just under 1000 visits, to say that this was an increase in my usual readership would be like saying there aren’t really that many parenting blogs around. Now I know my mum is a big fan, but surely she is not committed or demented enough to revisit the blog 1000 times?

It turns out that a leading parenting book author picked up on a comment I made about her book and thanked me on her Twitter page. Before I sign out, this is probably a great opportunity to thank Apple for the iPad that is a constant source of mental stimulation for Max without which he surely wouldn’t have a 140+ IQ score. Huggies, Max wouldn’t shit into any other nappy it’s you guys or the paddling pool. And Nike, Max certainly wouldn’t be running sub 10 second 100 metres if it wasn’t for your super comfy and great value Nike Air Babies. And how could I forget Heinz, without your delicious and nutritious meals Max wouldn’t be topping the healthy baby charts. And finally Little Creatures Brewery, without your crisp, hoppy, refreshing brew there would be a huge beer shaped void in this dads life, cheers.

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2 Responses to “Occupation – Blogger”

  1. satanswheels March 12, 2012 at 10:55 am #

    you made me laugh on a miserable Monday in England, well done

  2. robkingsford March 20, 2012 at 1:15 am #

    “did you not hear me, I AM ADJUSTING MY WIDGETS WOMEN!”

    Women?! Are you a male gigilo too?

    Hahaha so funny about “my dad’s bollocks”. I didn’t even find what I was after!

    Keep up the good work Rosstafarian, look forward to updates from afar.

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