Russian Poo-l-ette

4 Oct

I’ve recently stumbled across a little piece of parenting gold that I will now share with you. Swimming, or more specifically taking Max swimming.  Not because it’s uplifting and contributes to the positive development of the whole child through the soothing medium of water, hell no, when I take Max swimming I get an entire extra hour of daytime sleep out of him, bingo! That is some reward for a bit of splashy-splashy time. Like most good things in life, love, health, friendship, fried food, the reward comes at a risk. For some reason unbeknownst to me I insist on sending Max into the aqua commando style, bereft of any form of pooh prevention. I squeeze his Royal Podginess into one of the many gaudy Lycra suits that well meaning relatives have bestowed upon him and cross my fingers that he doesn’t do a doo-doo.

I am aware that there are a range of reputable products on the market that will prevent the indignity of having our photo displayed on the window of our local swimming pool with a big red banned stamp across the front of it but I can’t seem to bring myself to take the plunge (puns are always intended). After a bit of psycho-analysis I have conjured up two theories that could offer some explanation.

Theory 1 is based around a need for adrenalin. Being a stay at home dad is largely bereft of genuine excitement, I have even overheard some dads at the swings suggest it has elements of Ground Hog day, the ungrateful swines! So perhaps I’m just a crazy thrill seeker trying to get his kicks any which way he can. It’s very reminiscent of the Russian Roulette scene from Deer Hunter, me being Robert De Niro and Max being the loaded gun, loaded with fruit toast and banana. Theory 1 is largely flawed because I was quite content with a good book and a cup of cocoa pre Max and wasn’t jumping out of planes on a regular basis.

Theory 2 revolves around revenge. In a previous life I was a pool lifeguard and once had to fish a toddlers turd from the deep end. It wasn’t so much the act of fishing the offending matter out that scarred me, it was the warning I gave to the oblivious swimmers – “defecation alert, code brown, evacuate the pool” was the best I could come up with under pressure.There is a 3rd Theory, an altogether simpler theory, that I am in fact a tight arsed, irresponsible parent with little or no consideration for other swimmers, but I would prefer to stick with Theory 2.

The Tight Arse Theory is consistent with my reluctance to cough up for swimming lessons. Max looks on longingly at the other babies who are splashing contentedly to the rhythm of The Wheels on The Bus whilst I dunk him intermittently underwater to help ‘develop his confidence’.

Every swimming trip climaxes with me trying to negotiate getting dressed with preventing Max from (a) washing his hands in the toilet (b) opening the door and exposing my crown jewels to the unsuspecting public, or (c) setting off the emergency alarm.  As I said there is no reward without risk, these are however risks I will continue to take as long as he rewards me with a magical 4 hours of daytime sleep.

Advertisements

20 Responses to “Russian Poo-l-ette”

  1. chris ross October 4, 2012 at 8:54 am #

    i know what you mean by being rewarded with a good extra hours peace and quiet. i used to do exactly the same thing with you and laura. bliss!

    mum

    • daddownunder October 4, 2012 at 9:00 am #

      Have you got any other tips then that you’re witholiding?

  2. Pink Ronnie (@pinkronnie) October 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm #

    LOL! But totally agree. Anything to get another hour of sleep.

    A 4-hour daytime sleep is seriously like gold for the parent.

    Gymbaroo also works a treat…

    Ronnie

    • daddownunder October 4, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

      Thanks Ronnie, we seem to have hit our 4 hour stride, on a hot streak at the moment. I’m off to google “what is gymbaroo?”

  3. Catherine Rodie Blagg (Cup of Tea and a Blog) October 4, 2012 at 12:56 pm #

    Swimming wears my two out too – never fails! we’ve never had a poo-tastophie in the water… *touches wood*

    • daddownunder October 4, 2012 at 10:03 pm #

      I wonder if they put something in the chlorine? Poo-tastophie would have been a good title actually.

  4. always josefa (@always_josefa) October 5, 2012 at 2:37 am #

    hilarious, love this!
    I would do anything to get any sleep out of them during the day (when they were young) let alone extra sleep!

    • daddownunder October 5, 2012 at 3:15 am #

      You mean to tell me the day time sleep doesn’t last forever?!?!?!?!

  5. Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions October 7, 2012 at 11:51 am #

    “There is a 3rd Theory, an altogether simpler theory, that I am in fact a tight arsed, irresponsible parent with little or no consideration for other swimmers”
    …yep, that’s me right there. Just add in the word lazy and you have described me to a tee! In fact the word lazy is why I have yet to actually take Mia to the local pool and am instead content to take her swimming in her paddle pool and soon, the pool at Mum’s. Thank God Mum has a pool, at least if Mia takes a dump in there it’s only my sisters I’ll have to contend with!

  6. Bree @ Twinkle in the Eye October 11, 2012 at 1:36 am #

    I hear you on sooo many levels! Although I prefer get my adrenalin kicks from things that don’t involve poo and the risk of an embarrassing life guard announcement. Good Lord man, that was cruel. At any rate, you made me laugh so you are this weeks featured blogger for Flash Blog Friday. Heads up I will be nicking one of your photos – Cheers 🙂

    • daddownunder October 11, 2012 at 1:55 am #

      Thanks Bree, its an honour : )

  7. Kelly HTandT October 11, 2012 at 10:25 pm #

    My #2 son once code browned me while we were in the bath together. Scarred I tell you. For this reason, I could never risk the public code brown, because there’s a good chance I would leave him at the pool in shame. You’re a brave man.

    • daddownunder October 12, 2012 at 6:01 am #

      I’ve been code browned on the high chair, beat that! Last time I let him have a meal au naturale.

  8. Renay@mummysmiracles October 12, 2012 at 8:43 am #

    Hahaha, yes I think there is nothing, well almost nothing we will do to get that extra bit of sleep from them. Great post, glad to have found your blog 🙂

    • daddownunder October 12, 2012 at 9:07 am #

      Thanks Renay, great to have you on board, I have a plethora of other bad dadd ystories i am only too glad to share ; )

  9. ann October 13, 2012 at 9:01 am #

    Ha exactly why I love swimming lessons!! Although I hate to break it to you but they grow out of the extra sleeping after lessons!!

    • daddownunder October 13, 2012 at 11:45 am #

      Say its not so Ann???

      • Nell & Oll October 23, 2012 at 8:32 am #

        For gods sake! Ill send you a pair of Swim pants for the poor child so you will not be able to tell some awful story at his 21st!!!

        http://www.nellandoll.com.au/category/swimwear/imsevimse-swimwear

        Just found you through BabyMac & you made me laugh too so a pair of Swim pants are on their way! Well done Daddownunder!
        (pls read with Irish accent)!

      • daddownunder October 23, 2012 at 8:58 am #

        Thats what I was fishing for, freebies! Just had a look at your website, they look sexy, do you do adult sizes too? (read in an English accent)

  10. Nell & Oll October 31, 2012 at 9:25 am #

    Too funny! No adult sizes!!!! Get on & pick a pair you mad thing!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Dad Down Under

Just another WordPress site

Smaggle

How to win at life.

BIG FAMILY little income

Raising a family on little more than laughs.

Journey - wholelarderlove

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Life Love and Hiccups

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Tacklenappy - Tacklenappy - Home

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

edenland

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Kylie Purtell - Capturing Life

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Woogsworld

| Mrs Woog | Making the most of the mundane

Home

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

With Some Grace

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

BabyMac

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

the illiterate infant

An Aussie Daddy blogger that's figured out the kids haven't read the books either

%d bloggers like this: