The Stupid Market

14 Oct

I seem to spend a disproportionate amount of my dad days trudging around supermarkets. Not content with an excruciating morning trudge around the aisles I will manage to forget something vital and guarantee myself an afternoon trudge too. The experience tends to be traumatic for father and son alike. I know you’re thinking that all this talk of trudge and trauma is a bit melodramatic but Max is not one of the angelic toddlers that glide elegantly past us in the frozen peas section, the ones that are sitting back and soaking up the experience as if they are a passenger on the Orient Express. From the moment I brush off his animated pleas for a ride on the $2 car at the entrance to the “flybys?” enquiry (5 years into life in Down Under and I still have no idea what they are asking me) at its conclusion, the supermarket experience is accompanied by writhing, screaming, throwing and on occasion shop lifting.

Like any parental challenge I have devised a strategy or two to make the experience more bearable. Small fruit is the first key to less trauma, fruit that seems innocuous enough that you can take a little handful at the beginning of your journey without it feeling like you’re actually stealing. Grapes, cherries, lychees if you’re feeling particularly brave, all work well. Every time the protests reach an unacceptable level I have a sneaky look over both shoulders to ensure no stealth shelf stackers can witness the crime going down and pop a grape into the gaping gap created by a screaming toddler and enjoy 4 whole seconds of serenity.

When the fruit stocks are running low we head to the nappy aisle. A strange choice you might think, how could that possibly ease the pain? Simple, I plonk Max in front of the various brands and then ask him which one of the beautiful children on the packaging he would (a) befriend (b) marry, or (c) share a casual kiss with. I’m afraid I genuinely do this; I ask it just loud enough for Max to hear but nobody else, such behaviour would surely be frowned upon.  This exercise has taught me that my son has a penchant for little blonde haired blue eyed hotties but finds brunettes make better wife material – other hair colours are not well represented on nappy packaging.

With Max high on love, lust and small fruit we make a dash for the check out. I look at the items that fill my trolley and realise that everything has been purchased with Max in mind; this is why I sometimes find myself sucking frantically on a Rafferty’s Garden sachet. We face one final hurdle before we can get the hell out of there, Max’s nemesis Middle Aged Chinese Lady Check-Out Chick. As mentioned in a previous post (https://daddownunder.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/my-son-the-superhero/) Check-Out Chick insists on coming out from behind her counter and squeezing Max’s cheeks a little harder than he is comfortable with much to his obvious disgust, she also never forgets to ask him “where’s mummy” and “is mummy at work” much to my disgust.

When we get home I will often find that Max has pilfered a little something something and stashed it under an obliging buttock, usually something rubbish like stock cubes or a stick of celery. I have now taken to loitering around the chocolate aisle in the hope that he might take the hint and steal something useful – I am going straight to parent hell aren’t I?

Advertisements

25 Responses to “The Stupid Market”

  1. pole October 15, 2012 at 5:04 am #

    nice

    • Eleise October 15, 2012 at 11:42 pm #

      Bahaha Great story about the supermarket. It really is a major chore!

      • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 1:00 am #

        In England you can order your weekly shop online and have it delivered for free, surely thats the future?

  2. Angela October 15, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

    haha oh dear. Straight to parenting hell you go! I’m all about the rusks here. Screaming baby? Straight down the baby aisle to open a packet of rusks. Whatever works 😉

    • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 12:58 am #

      Every parent has a strategy – whatever works is indeed the motto.

  3. Jac at Common Chaos Chronicle October 15, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

    Hahaha, we’ve all been ‘there’. Damn ‘super’markets, my butt! Next time you’re there, ease yourself into imagining me doing the shopping with 6..yes 6 of them. Good times…. :-O

    • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 1:00 am #

      Hats off to you Jac, that can’t be easy – I will use you as inspiration ; )

  4. Yvette @ Little Bento Blog October 16, 2012 at 12:04 am #

    ahh contending with the $2 ride.. everytime is just a nightmare!!! My excuse is ‘Only Nanna has the special coin for that’.. works every time!!

    • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 1:01 am #

      ‘Only Nanna has the special coin for that’ – I might have to use that

  5. morander October 16, 2012 at 2:18 am #

    Cracking post. We’ve graduated to standing in the trolley as daddy can’t handle the wailing and carrying on when I try to put my daughter in the seat. This means her reach is not doubled, maximising the toddler shoplifting that can occur.

    • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 2:20 am #

      Get her down that chocolate aisle! What do you think about smearing honey on their hands before you go for extra grip?

  6. Jayne October 16, 2012 at 5:51 am #

    Hehe. It’s Snog, Marry, Avoid for toddlers.

    • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 7:01 am #

      Thanks for the tip off Jayne, I’m such an amateur

  7. Catherine Rodie Blagg (Cup of Tea and a Blog) October 16, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    I’ve been in Aus for five years and I only just found out what ‘flybys’ are! 🙂 . We shop on line to avoid the supermarket drama. Life is too short!

    • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 10:25 am #

      Which supermarket delivers online? You could be about to change one mans life!

  8. Grace October 16, 2012 at 10:04 am #

    Bahaha! You know, next time I buy nappies (which will be soon) I’ll be sure to have a good look at the baby faces on the Huggies boxes. You know, check out who would be wife material for my twins 🙂

    • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 10:28 am #

      Max has got dibs on the brunettes ; )

    • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 10:30 am #

      My boy has dibs on the brunettes, the rest are fair game ; )

  9. carmen October 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

    Hahahahaha… you’ve been shopping with ALL of my four offspring! Oh and I hate to say, it doesn’t get any easier. So now I ditch the kids if I have to attend any stupidmarket! 😉

    • daddownunder October 16, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

      The Stupid Market would have been a much better title, do you mind if I pinch that?

  10. iSophie October 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

    haha love it! Yes, hang around the chocolate aisle or somewhere expensive.. batteries!

  11. Mumabulous October 21, 2012 at 10:25 am #

    I am sorry to tell you that you have not even begun to experience supermarket trauma! Talk to me when you have experienced your two pre-school children constructing a cubby house with the merchandise in the toilet paper aisle.

    • daddownunder October 21, 2012 at 10:18 pm #

      Ouch! Presumably this is where you walk away and do your best to pretend they aren’t yours?

  12. Mary J October 23, 2012 at 6:09 am #

    Ha, reminds me of my daughters first (and only I think!) 5 finger discount – a Flake in the pram at about 10 months old. I was mortified and of course confiscated it for my own consumption!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Dad Down Under

Just another WordPress site

Smaggle

Be your best self.

BIG FAMILY little income

Raising a family on little more than laughs.

wholelarderlove

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Life Love and Hiccups

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Tacklenappy - Tacklenappy - Home

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

edenland

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Kylie Purtell - Capturing Life

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

Woogsworld

| Mrs Woog | Making the most of the mundane

Home

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

With Some Grace

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

BabyMac

Wearer of Labels: Stay at Home Dad, Blogger, Fitness Junkie, Foodie, Follower of Fashion, Nomad

the illiterate infant

An Aussie Daddy blogger that's figured out the kids haven't read the books either

%d bloggers like this: