How to Use Your Child As a Scapegoat

30 Oct

Hi, my name is Matt, I’m a Stay at Home Dad and sometimes I use my two-year-old child as a scapegoat.

Sometimes I do it without even knowing I’m doing it, other times it’s an elaborate sting devised to keep me from the dog house, but mostly I just do it because I can. Max is armed with a 20-word vocabulary and “Daddy is a Big Fat Liar” is not a part of his repertoire … yet.

There are the innocuous little white lies; these are the best type because the reward to guilt ratio is quite high.

Darling Wife “I made an entire batch of savoury muffins this morning why is there only one and a half left”

Me “It must be your baking darling. Max couldn’t get enough of them. I’ve never seen him like that he just kept on going he was like a machine!”

Gullible Wife “They were quite good I suppose. I’ll whip some more up for him tomorrow.”

Me “Superb, he’ll be delighted, he seemed to gesture that they might benefit from a bit more cheese, best keep the boy happy”.

There are the lies that enable you to save face during social gatherings.

Long Suffering Friends “Urgh what is that smell?”

Me “Max has an upset tummy and a little bit of wind I’m afraid. I was up nursing him all night. I hope he gets better soon because that sure does stink!”

Gullible Friends “Poor Max I hope you get better soon. And you are such a great Dad for sitting up with him all night”

Me “I try my best”

Then there are the slightly more serious lies that are teetering on the edge of unethical.

Swept up in the excitement of the park I accidently knocked a toddler over causing them to scream, cry and generally give the impression they had been assaulted. The parent came running over to see what had happened to their little precious.

Me “Sorry about that, my little boy gave her a shove when she pulled his hair and she took a tumble. I am trying to teach him to turn the other cheek but sometimes in the face of such provocation it’s a little bit difficult”.

Slightly Embarrassed Parent “I am very sorry, she does have a bit of a temper on her. Jemima go and say sorry to the little boy”

Me “He’ll be okay. There are some great books out there for dealing with angry children that you might want to have a look at”.

I’m not proud of any of these lies; well actually the one at the park did show very quick thinking. I am working hard to overcome this problem, partly because I know it’s wrong to lie and that I should be setting a good example to my son, but also because his vocabulary is growing by the day and it won’t be long until “Daddy is a Big Fat Liar” is an achievable sentence.

Have you ever porky pied your child into a scapegoat? The first step on your journey to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

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17 Responses to “How to Use Your Child As a Scapegoat”

  1. Carla October 30, 2012 at 2:20 am #

    Pure genius……

  2. Salz October 30, 2012 at 2:45 am #

    Lol love the last one suggesting a book abou angry children hilarious. We always use them if we want to go home and say they are so tired that they need their own bed to sleep.

    • daddownunder October 30, 2012 at 3:52 am #

      Ah yes the sleepy card, your an old pro at this sort of thing.

  3. Rhianna (@aparentinglife) October 30, 2012 at 2:59 am #

    lol Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses #teamIBOT

  4. Kim October 30, 2012 at 5:06 am #

    Love this. Mine are my eternal excuse for being late. They’re 5 and 3 now and it still doesn’t grow old.

  5. goodgollymissholly October 30, 2012 at 6:49 am #

    I may or may not have had children just to use as scapegoats!

  6. Kirsty @ My Home Truths October 30, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    Unfortunately my two eldest can no longer be relied upon to aid and abet the odd “white lie”…instead, they’re starting to turn the technique back on me. You have been warned…

  7. Questing Jess October 30, 2012 at 11:55 am #

    That is hilarious! As long as it’s not my child you’ve knocked over 😉

    • daddownunder October 31, 2012 at 1:34 am #

      I just want to state that i would never knowingly knock over anyone’s child……………unless they were truly shitting me

  8. Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions October 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

    Mia is my best excuse for doing no housework and getting out of cooking when it’s my night.

  9. Daley Almeida Soares October 30, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

    hehehe….thats funny man!!

    • daddownunder October 31, 2012 at 1:35 am #

      Thanks Daley, always good to hear from an old buddy

  10. evilgeniusmum October 31, 2012 at 2:15 am #

    Everybody knows that kids are the perfect excuse for anything. For me – kids are the perfect excuse for a messy house. We are constantly “inventing” or “creating” or “experimenting”, and thus never reach the stage of “completing”.

    Oh yeah, and EG Grandma used the excuse of “I need to taste it to make sure that it is the right flavour” many MANY times. I think I need another discussion with that woman…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Evil Genius Parent Award #8 | Evil Genius Mum - November 5, 2012

    […] And then he showed his true colours, with tips on How to Use Your Kid as a Scapegoat. […]

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