I’m afraid I fall into the rather grumpy category of Christmas Scrooge, Bah Humbug is a little too tame for me I tend to opt for something altogether more sweary. Don’t get me wrong I remember a time when it was magical, when Santa was more than a slightly sinister old man, I even used to leave him a glass of whisky (good old Dad). Now that Max is on the scene I know I have to rekindle that magic just for him, so rather than flick Illiterate Infant’s offer to divulge my Christmas Wish List straight into Trash, I’m in and here it is.
1 – I would like Mrs Under not to make little inverted commas with her fingers when she refers to my social media binges as ‘networking’.
2 – I designed and patented a product called the Baby Voice Distorter 3000 and I would like someone to actually make it for me. There was a little interest from a company in North Korea but it didn’t lead to anything. Essentially it’s a little collar that your baby wears around their neck (don’t worry it’s completely safe and you can accessorize with sequins or spikes) and whenever they cry the distorter changes the noise to an adorable little gag gag goo goo.
3 – I want a lie in. I walk around telling anyone who will listen how tired I am, “how are you?” they say “tired” I say. Seeing as this is a hypothetical fantasy of a list, I would like to be woken by glorious sunshine streaming in through the window rather than an inglorious bastard screaming at me through the walls. The other day I was so tired that I typed my ATM pin number into the microwave whilst heating Max’s milk, I realized at about 4 minutes.
4 – I would like a beard, not like your one Santa, that’s a little full on. It seems unfair that people can have breast implants and abdominal implants but not beard implants. I would be willing to part with $3000 for a good beard implant. Mostly I’d keep it as well maintained stubble but every now and then I would unleash it, just to keep everyone on their toes. I have it in me to grow a goatee beard but I don’t want it to be a direct comparison to a bovine creature.
5 – More than anything Santa, I would like for it to be true when I introduce myself to people as a writer. Don’t get me wrong I write, boy do I write, but to call myself a writer would suggest some form of income. I recently decided to throw my red marker pen in the bin, saying goodbye teaching and hello blogging. I have given myself a 6 month make it or break it deadline before I have to go back and get a real job. So Santa you have a big client base, I know this sounds a little needy, but could you spread the word far and wide? Much appreciated.
Until next year Sants, keep it Christmassy!
I believe at this point I should spread the festive cheer to another 5 ‘lucky’ bloggers;
Evil Genius Mum, the evil bit is just a foil for her genius
It’s a Circus In Here – and with 5 I imagine it is a bit of a circus
Living the Simple Dream – check out what their not so simple dream is and tell me your not jealous, I double dare you!
Surviving Four Kids – because sometimes surviving is the most apt description