I had been considering writing a post about breast feeding for a while now, I am after all an expert on the subject. I have been waiting for a sign from up above, preferably from one of the big Gods; Thor or Warne, but I would settle for a Justice of the Peace. During a recent holiday I did what any other right minded individual does when entering a holiday home and ran to check the fridge for complimentary offerings. Nothing in the fridge, tight bastards, is a bottle of Vodka in the freezer too much to ask for? Yes it is, staring me in the face was a bottle containing the unmistakable off white frozen liquid that I recognised all too well, they had left us a complimentary bottle of breast milk, a sign from above! Either that or they breed race horses?
They say that nothing in life is certain. I say ‘they’ are wrong. It is an absolute certainty that if there is a mum breast feeding within eye shot of me, our eyes will meet and then part awkwardly. It’s not that I want to look at them, far from it I do my best not to, I dont want to make the mum feel self conscious and I dont want to be known as Pervy Dad. It’s as if their boobs are giant magnets and my eyes are a couple of innocent little ball bearings pulled against their will. Then what to do; do you smile as if to say “it’s okay I’m a father I’m down with this” but that smile could so easily be misinterpreted for “could you just move that baby a little to the left so I can have a proper look”. Or do you look away in a bid to preserve the mum’s dignity and risk her thinking that you’re looking away in disgust. Quite a quandry I’m sure you’d agree.
I would also say its a certainty that most men don’t really get breast feeding. We get that the baby goes gaga for mum’s milky goodness and that the milk comes from mum, we’re not stupid after all, no really we’re not! But I suspect we don’t get the special significance it has for lots of mums. I have read some impassioned articles on the subject of breast feeding. I have seen entire aisles of book stores devoted to the subject, packed full of books, big heavy books with small writing when I would have thought a double sided pamphlet with a labelled diagram would suffice. I have seen the logos stating that “breast is best” a message that I have been endorsing since my early teens.
Breast feeding for me was about learning new words like mastitis or fully, leaky, sore boobs to give it it’s correct medical term. It was about insisting that it can’t be that difficult and even trying to demonstrate on my own redundant nipple. It was about the whirring of a breast pump that had a Pavlovian effect over me, making me leave the room and seek shelter elsewhere. There is only so long that you can watch your wife’s nipple being rhythmically thrust back and forth through a pump. It was about being very careful when grabbing and guzzling milk straight from the fridge. But even for the most breast feeding ignorant there is something very special about seeing mother and child in that embrace, I do get that.
Did you hear about the icecreamery in London that used breast milk as the base for their product? I shit you not, a single serve set you back an eye watering $22.50. 15 women were milked in the process and the ice cream known as Baby Gaga (aaaahh cute) sold out right away. I would be willing to bet good money that the consumers of this milky product were overwhelmingly male. Men are strangely intrigued by breast milk, otherwise rational friends would ask me if I had tried it and were genuinely shocked when I said no. And this leads on nicely to my business proposal.
What I need is 15 volunteers to assist me to develop my very own range of human cheeses. I have purchased the domain name From Ours Fromages. Think about it ladies, we’ve already established how much you can charge for these products and men love cheese and bizarely breast milk. We could do a creamy Brie, a tangy cheddar and a stiff blue. Profits will be reinvested into a range of quality trashy magazines to read during milking, a decaff coffee machine, the best pumps that money can by and a team of topless studs to attach and remove the pumps. Who wants in?