Breast is Best….Bottoms Come a Close Second

17 Jan

I had been considering writing a post about breast feeding for a while now, I am after all an expert on the subject. I have been waiting for a sign from up above, preferably from one of the big Gods; Thor or Warne, but I would settle for a Justice of the Peace. During a recent holiday I did what any other right minded individual does when entering a holiday home and ran to check the fridge for complimentary offerings. Nothing in the fridge, tight bastards, is a bottle of Vodka in the freezer too much to ask for? Yes it is, staring me in the face was a bottle containing the unmistakable off white frozen liquid that I recognised all too well, they had left us a complimentary bottle of breast milk, a sign from above! Either that or they breed race horses?

IMG_3772

They say that nothing in life is certain. I say ‘they’ are wrong. It is an absolute certainty that if there is a mum breast feeding within eye shot of me, our eyes will meet and then part awkwardly. It’s not that I want to look at them, far from it I do my best not to, I dont want to make the mum feel self conscious and I dont want to be known as Pervy Dad. It’s as if their boobs are giant magnets and my eyes are a couple of innocent little ball bearings pulled against their will. Then what to do; do you smile as if to say “it’s okay I’m a father I’m down with this” but that smile could so easily be misinterpreted for “could you just move that baby a little to the left so I can have a proper look”. Or do you look away in a bid to preserve the mum’s dignity and risk her thinking that you’re looking away in disgust. Quite a quandry I’m sure you’d agree.

I would also say its a certainty that most men don’t really get breast feeding. We get that the baby goes gaga for mum’s milky goodness and that the milk comes from mum, we’re not stupid after all, no really we’re not! But I suspect we don’t get the special significance it has for lots of mums. I have read some impassioned articles on the subject of breast feeding. I have seen entire aisles of book stores devoted to the subject, packed full of books, big heavy books with small writing when I would have thought a double sided pamphlet with a labelled diagram would suffice. I have seen the logos stating that “breast is best” a message that I have been endorsing since my early teens.

Breast feeding for me was about learning new words like mastitis or fully, leaky, sore boobs to give it it’s correct medical term. It was about insisting that it can’t be that difficult and even trying to demonstrate on my own redundant nipple. It was about the whirring of a breast pump that had a Pavlovian effect over me, making me leave the room and seek shelter elsewhere. There is only so long that you can watch your wife’s nipple being rhythmically thrust back and forth through a pump. It was about being very careful when grabbing and guzzling milk straight from the fridge. But even for the most breast feeding ignorant there is something very special about seeing mother and child in that embrace, I do get that.

Did you hear about the icecreamery in London that used breast milk as the base for their product? I shit you not, a single serve set you back an eye watering $22.50. 15 women were milked in the process and the ice cream known as Baby Gaga (aaaahh cute) sold out right away. I would be willing to bet good money that the consumers of this milky product were overwhelmingly male. Men are strangely intrigued by breast milk, otherwise rational friends would ask me if I had tried it and were genuinely shocked when I said no. And this leads on nicely to my business proposal.

What I need is 15 volunteers to assist me to develop my very own range of human cheeses. I have purchased the domain name From Ours Fromages. Think about it ladies, we’ve already established how much you can charge for these products and men love cheese and bizarely breast milk. We could do a creamy Brie, a tangy cheddar and a stiff blue. Profits will be reinvested into a range of quality trashy magazines to read during milking, a decaff coffee machine, the best pumps that money can by and a team of topless studs to attach and remove the pumps. Who wants in?


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42 Responses to “Breast is Best….Bottoms Come a Close Second”

  1. Twinkle in the Eye January 17, 2013 at 7:10 am #

    I think I’ll give that little business idea a wide berth!

    • wendy January 17, 2013 at 7:48 am #

      I have a 6 month old and more booby juice than she can drink! I was going to donate it but your idea sounds far more profitable! πŸ™‚

      • daddownunder January 17, 2013 at 7:49 am #

        Thanks Wendy you won’t regret it, 1 down 14 more needed

  2. coloursofsunset January 17, 2013 at 7:48 am #

    Sorry, all dried up here or else I’d be tempted to volunteer if it meant making a quick buck. There’s just not much that compares to pulling a bub off your boob and seeing milk squirt half way across the room. That is cool shit.

  3. Lisa January 17, 2013 at 8:31 am #

    Your comment about watching your wife use the breast pump made me laugh! I’m just about finished a 5 year run of being pregnant and / or breast feeding and am so ready to have my body back to myself. Although I have heard of people pumping after bubs is older to burn extra calories so maybe you could could get some takers for your idea if you marketed it in that way πŸ˜‰

    • daddownunder January 17, 2013 at 8:37 am #

      Good idea Lisa, I’ll hit the forums! Enjoy having your body back to yourself

    • Danya Banya January 17, 2013 at 9:51 am #

      “people pumping after bubs is older to burn extra calories” – surely they could just get a Slendertone!

  4. Caroline January 17, 2013 at 8:44 am #

    Crazy … I was just talking about breast feeding issues with my husband at dinner tonight (after seeing a news article about a mother told she couldn’t breast feed at the local pool and in light of the impending arrival of no. 5 at the end of May) … and I open up FB and there is a blog by you regarding it!

    • daddownunder January 17, 2013 at 8:55 am #

      I promise that I was in no way involved in the lady being barred from her pool – now that’s crazy!

      • Caroline January 17, 2013 at 9:11 am #

        Yeah that’s what we thought! Can only assume said pool will be in for a barrage of bad publicity and angry communications! As for human milk cheese … Feel ill at the thought :-). When I heard about the ice cream a while ago thought that was weird too! But each to his own :-). Will keep my milk for no. 5s consumption when she arrives in May πŸ™‚

  5. daddownunder January 17, 2013 at 9:14 am #

    No. 5! Wow Caroline I’m tired just thinking about that.

    • Caroline January 17, 2013 at 10:06 am #

      So am I. Try not to think about the chaos of yet one more too much … Will deal with it when I have to. Just trying to survive school holidays at the moment πŸ™‚

  6. Catherine Rodie Blagg January 17, 2013 at 9:37 am #

    Matt, this made me laugh out loud and cheered me up at the end of a really crappy afternoon. I’m afraid I can’t be of assistance, I hung up the old breast pump for good after weening Cerys.

    • daddownunder January 17, 2013 at 9:56 am #

      I’m glad you liked it Catherine, I hope that tomorrow’s afternoon is a whole lot less crappy.

  7. kush January 17, 2013 at 10:03 am #

    yea alright, i’m in too lol but only if you pay for my flights between Melbourne and Adelaide πŸ˜‰

    • daddownunder January 17, 2013 at 11:05 am #

      We could have an Adelaide franchise Kush?

  8. itsacircusinhere January 17, 2013 at 10:06 am #

    If you are still lacking in dairy cows,oh,I mean willing breast feeding mothers,then I may be willing mid to end of next year.I will slightly bow in your direction and tell you that you did this topic credit Matt,and it is a very good view of the males perception on not just their wife,but other women breastfeeding.Jess

    • daddownunder January 17, 2013 at 11:07 am #

      Only a slight bow, come on Jess you can manage a full one ; ) thanks Jess, I was a bit worried about this one, I know it’s a sensitive subject

  9. Kelly HTandT January 17, 2013 at 10:26 am #

    I’m a bit of an entrepreneur, and I happen to still be a milk producing mammal, and I’m always keen to make a profit. Let’s talk.
    By the way, it’s mastitis, not mastisis. Bit funny since your point was about learning the correct words πŸ˜‰

  10. Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions January 17, 2013 at 11:01 pm #

    I’m always up to make an easy buck, I’d have to say yes, as long as you throw in a few DVD’s as well, that’s always my entertainment of choice while breastfeeding. While feeding Mia in the first half of her life I managed to get through 8 seasons of Charmed. Don’t judge, they were free from my sister and Julian McMahon is hot!

    • daddownunder January 17, 2013 at 11:36 pm #

      It sounds like you endured a lot in that first half of Mia’s life ; )

    • Housewife in Heels January 18, 2013 at 10:03 am #

      I just spat out my wine reading this! (Don’t worry Dad Down Under- promise I won’t drink before expressing)

      • daddownunder January 18, 2013 at 11:05 am #

        I think we will have to start weaning you off the wine with immediate effect.

  11. mumabulous January 18, 2013 at 9:54 am #

    Unfortunately the mention of cheese has less wholesome connotations for me.

    • daddownunder January 18, 2013 at 11:03 am #

      Yuck! I will put you down for some yoghurt then

  12. Housewife in Heels January 18, 2013 at 10:02 am #

    Why limit it to cheeses- what about yoghurts? and custards? Don’t limit yourself. P.S. I’m in πŸ™‚

  13. rhian @melbs January 19, 2013 at 1:42 am #

    Human Cheese – interesting idea, you had better copywrite and patent it quickly for fear of someone profiting from your ideas you know! πŸ™‚

  14. Steve Adams January 19, 2013 at 3:11 am #

    I’m glad you’ve broached this one. Two kids in and I think I’ve found my comfort zone/look when seeing other mothers at it. I rest in the fact I carry an indefinable Dad look. Though watching babies feed does make me thirsty and the moment I lick my lips that comfy Daddy look can be misinterpreted.

    Was at the Franga Festival an hour ago (wat-a-hoot) and saw this mum (I assume) had the kid slung under one arm as if carrying a pile of …something and her boob was slung out under her singlet. All the while she was walking along enjoying an ice cream. I was impressed by her strength but also confused because the kid looked about 9!

    No lip licking today.

    • daddownunder January 21, 2013 at 1:10 am #

      I get that breast feeding is not a big deal and is a thing of rare beauty. It’s the awkwardness of not knowing if the other party share my relative comfort or whether it could be misinterpreted

      • Steve Adams January 23, 2013 at 5:54 am #

        I know you don’t think it’s a big deal Matt. Just relaying my own hiccups and funny sights. Did you read the one with my name on it?

      • daddownunder January 23, 2013 at 7:39 am #

        Ha I replied to the wrong message – very good pick up Steve. I look forward to finding a comfort zone and my very own indefinable look. Good double use of the word “slung”, it paints a picture ; )

  15. Roxanne P-CH January 20, 2013 at 3:07 am #

    When I’m feeding bub I like it when people look and smile. As for your business proposal, sorry, big failure at expressing so no help here. And whilst I love a good blue cheese, breast juice blue doesn’t do it for me for some reason.

    • daddownunder January 21, 2013 at 1:07 am #

      Next time i see you breast feeding Roxanne I’ll flash you a toothy grin ; )

  16. Have a laugh on me January 20, 2013 at 7:22 am #

    A very interesting idea!! Sorry had 3 and that’s our dash! Great post. Emily

    • daddownunder January 21, 2013 at 1:06 am #

      Your loss Emily ; ) Thnaks for the lovely comment.

  17. Grace January 22, 2013 at 10:55 pm #

    LOL! Sorry to spoil your idea, Mr Under but I remember seeing an article about a family making cheeses out of the mum’s over supply of breast milk. (I shit you not!)
    I would love to volunteer but sorry, ain’t nothin’ in these puppies anymore.
    Breast feeding twins for 12 months will do that to ya. πŸ™‚

    • daddownunder January 23, 2013 at 4:30 am #

      Looks like yoghurt it is then. Good use of the word puppies Grace, well done!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. My first boob post | the illiterate infant - January 21, 2013

    […] spent the better part of 25 years trying to see (and 20 years trying to touch). Matt at daddydownunder put it well in his boob post (another mummy milestone reacher) saying that “It’s as if […]

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