I got sold a gym membership a couple of weeks back by a particularly persistent sales team that could have sold ice to Eskimos, although sadly given the melting of the ice cap that might not be such a hard sell these days, anyway I digress. I got an exercise programme from a man who looked like he had been painstakingly chiselled from granite, his name might have been Adonis; I told him lies about 5 times a week and 90 mins, I nodded my head and pretended that I was listening when he talked me through the intricacies of a Renegade Row super set with Reverse Lunges.
I like going to the gym, actually I prefer just saying it, “just off to the gym darling” makes you sound really fit. Gyms though do seem to bring out the worst in men, not all men, but lots of them. There are behaviours and etiquettes that I find a bit cringe. This evening it took me quite a long time and a lot of squinting to realise that the man engaged in some impressively deep squats in front of me, was in fact wearing skin coloured leggings as opposed to indecently exposing himself in public as I had initially thought.
You have the ones that spend more time pouting in the mirror than actually training. Mirrors should be banned from gyms, yes they help with your ‘squat form’, but most men use them to gauge whether those 10 bench presses have them looking like Ryan Gosling’s long lost twin brother.
Men who would usually avoid getting too close to other men for fear of ‘catching gay’, will gladly dangle their testicles over another man’s head while he lifts the equivalent of a family saloon, I think it’s called ‘spotting’, testicle spotting presumably.
The ones that ogle every passing girl because in their mind hot and sweaty is ‘hot’ and they are at their sweatiest. I will admit to being caught at a recent yoga class looking in the general direction of a girl’s backside but I was genuinely checking out what were quite an impressive pair of asymmetric leggings, that’s all.
Then there are the ones that continuously stroke their ‘guns’ (and their egos) as if concerned that they might fly away if left unattended. Stop touching yourself! Also if you call your arms ‘guns’, your body a ‘rig’ and your penis a ‘weapon’ and you are doing so with a straight face then you are literally talking shite.
The ones that make loud grunting noises and usually catch my eye mid grunt with a facial expression that suggests they could do with some more fibre in their diet. Use those mirrors you so love and if you are pulling a face that in anyway suggests you need to visit a lavatory, stop what you’re doing, pick up some smaller weights and try again.
Finally you have my very least favourite gym men. There is always one man whose favourite way to dry himself is to put one foot up on the bench, place the towel between his legs and then drag the towel back and forwards vigorously as if trying to light a fire with his buttocks and a towel. They often decide that this is also the best time to strike up a conversation about their sales figures – it’s not, clothed is always best for me.
The moment I catch myself indulging in any of these behaviours I will have a good look in the mirror, not the pouty, stroke-y kind and go back to lifting toddlers. Are you a gym lover or do they send a cold shiver down your spine?The PRoblem With Gyms