It was one of those perfect parent days. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the park was bustling with excited children and proud parents and I had a coffee in my hand which also helped to make things perfect. I was rubbing shoulders with some of the other Dad’s essentially boasting about how wonderful Max is. I chose Dad’s whose children looked younger or a bit slower than my own.
I was waxing lyrical about his genius like ability to make noises with his mouth otherwise known as words. I was recently informed that Border Collie’s can learn and memorise over 1000 words. In reality Max is probably at the same level as a Toy Poodle who surely only understand “Jump in the handbag we’re off out for lunch, no poops it’s Gucci darling”. Sincerest apologies to any Toy Poodle loving readers, I’m sure they are blessed with many good qualities, the poodles I mean. But I pumped The Boy up to Lassie level.
The other Dad’s looked suitably impressed with my child’s unique ability to actually say things, looking on despondently at their own dribbling, crawling, gaga’ing offspring. “I was reading a study recently that suggested that this sort of genius behaviour is generally down to the father and their parenting strategies”. More nods of approval. “They say that not every father has the abil…”
The Boy – “I wanna f@ck”
“Don’t we all? I will dismiss that as a sleep deprived hallucination, you couldn’t have actually just said that”
The Boy – “I wanna f@ck, I wanna f@ck”
“I beg your pardon? You’re 2 years old and your only romantic inclinations to date have been towards your toy truc……………….oh you want your truck”
And off Max toddles to retrieve his toy truck from the bottom of the slide. Feeling that all eyes were on me, judgmental parent eyes (the very worst kind) at that, I felt the need to explain.
“It’s okay, nothing to see here, he just wanted his truck, he’s struggling a bit with the ‘tr’ and the ‘f’. Count yourselves lucky that it wasn’t a dump truck. Max get your truck we’re leaving.”
Is it me or are children masters at setting you up for spectacularly embarrassing falls? When has your child dramatically dropped you in it? What’s been your most embarrassing child inflicted moment?