Tampons on the Shopping List

5 Jun

Most days when Mrs Under sets off to make some metaphorical bacon she leaves behind a little list. It’s not a list of all the different ways she loves me, it’s a list of all the little chores that need doing by the Chore Fairy. I was perusing yesterday’s list;

Do something with your clothes that have been slung over the desk chair for the past 3 weeks

Clean the floors (don’t go around the high chair just move it)

Get something healthy for dinner, pizza is not healthy

Buy me a packet of tampons

I looked at the word again, hoping that I might have read it wrong and it actually says Pom Poms or Bon Bons or beer or anything but tampons. Nope I checked in the dictionary and that is definitely how you spell tampons. I would do anything for my wife but this is stretching even ‘anything’ to its outer most limits.

This is a husband test, she probably doesn’t even need them she just wants to see if I’m up to the job. I’ll bloody well show her. I stride nonchalantly into the supermarket bristling with confidence and determination. So confident am I that I even ask the man stacking packets of egg noodles “where is the tampon aisle please?”.

I navigate my way to aisle 17 and into the heart of Tampon World, I thought for a moment I was in the chocolate aisle so pretty are the little boxes. It’s not quite as straight forward as I was hoping, there are different sizes and quantities and prices and strengths, it’s a bit like buying coffee in that regard. I get some funny looks from my fellow shoppers but I imagine they are simply thinking “wow who is this guy that buys his wife’s tampons, that’s really sexy in a post modern kind of way”.
I resist the strong temptation to buy the cheapest ones and call base camp. “You’re actually going to do it? I underestimated you Mr Ross.” I receive my instructions (I won’t share with you the particular brand of tampon my wife prefers, that would be odd) and make my way to the cashier, the young, hot, cashier. This is not fair I want an old, un-hot, man, wit hbad BO and a beer belly, where is he when you need him? I put the tampons down trying my hardest to hide them behind a packet of rice and some soy sauce. Unfortunately the purples and pinks of the box don’t camouflage all that well and I see the cashier clock them and then clock me.

Whatever you do do not look her in the eyes. I wonder what she’s thinking, I thought, is she thinking, that guy is very cool to be buying his wife tampons or is she thinking why the F is this guy buying tampons what a weirdo. She filled the first bag up with the food and asked me if I wanted a second bag? A special tampon bag? “Errr no, I think you can probably squeeze them in”.

She looked at me again, this time with a cheeky little grin, the sort of grin that suggested I might have unintentionally said something that she found amusing. And then it became a laugh and suddenly right before my eyes check out chick was laughing at a joke I accidentally made about tampons. So this is what tampon shopping victory tastes like! I got the right tampons, I did so without humiliating myself and I even managed to spread a little happiness in the process. I am literally counting down the days until I can go tampon shopping again, how many days is it again?

Would you ask your man to do this for you? Would he do this for you? If so what unintentional joke might he make to the cashier?


44 Responses to “Tampons on the Shopping List”

  1. About Me June 5, 2013 at 5:40 am #

    It was like reading exactly what my hubby would say and do. I have made him go shopping for me before and he passed with flying colours. Had me laughing out loud enough that hubby had to read it 🙂

    • About Me June 5, 2013 at 5:42 am #

      Should have said you get a lot of blood noses 😉

    • daddownunder June 5, 2013 at 6:06 am #

      Glad you liked it, it probably shouldn’t be quite as terrifying as it is, but we’re simple creatures us men.

    • spinks June 5, 2013 at 11:31 am #

      I thought exactly the same thing, right down to the joke 🙂

      • daddownunder June 5, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

        Thanks Spinks, glad you liked it

  2. Julie June 5, 2013 at 6:10 am #

    Does not bother Justin in the slightest. He got a massive pass early on in the boyfriend test by : Tamika calls me from school at work, she got her period and needs tampons. Urgently. Justin has day off so I call him and ask him to go buy and deliver to the high school. Not only did he get the brand and size correct, (lucky for him Tamika and I use the same) he carried them up to the office in his hand, to where Tamika was waiting. She was the embarrassed one. No he did not put them in a bag he handed her the box. No disguising it in a school office among the other items. When she told him off for not hiding them. He remarked “every chick needs them, what’s the big deal”. He lost points for using the word chick, but won so many with his good dead it was over looked.

    • daddownunder June 5, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

      See I lose some points for my coyness but I gain so many more for not saying chick, right? All a bit tongue in cheek as usual and the moral of the story is get the tampons chaps. Thanks Julie and big ups to Justin

  3. mcshamo June 5, 2013 at 8:36 am #

    Crossed that bridge a while ago and have had extended conversations about the alternatives to tampons with my missus too. We’re tree-huggers…

    Google menstrual cups if you dare.

    • daddownunder June 5, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

      I’m slightly scared to Seamus, I’ll have a look tomorrow once I have prepared myself for the worst

  4. notjustamumblog June 5, 2013 at 10:01 am #

    Thank you so much for that post! It has been ages since I have laughed like that, really laughed from the pit of my belly and just to clarify, I was not laughing at you but at how I can imagine my hubby dealing with this scenario. There has been many a time where I’ve wanted to ask this of him but have not been able to bring myself to test him so severely.
    During my blogging hiatus I have really enjoyed reading yours.

    Thanks again

    • daddownunder June 5, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

      Thanks so much, thats music to my ears, no better compliment than making someone laugh in my books. Get back on the horse and keep going, we all go through times when we aren’t really digging it. So glad you stopped by

  5. Shayna June 5, 2013 at 11:12 am #

    My husband would have no problem at all if I asked him to buy me tampons. he’s not concerned about that sort of thing. Its just a natural thing, nothing for us, or you (men) to be ashamed of! haha

    • daddownunder June 5, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

      Good on him i say Shayna, I still have a bit of the juvenile in me, although I did it and passed with flying colours. Thanks for stopping by

      • Shayna June 5, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

        I can understand that. Glad you passed though, and made it humourous along the way. 🙂

  6. Mary J June 5, 2013 at 11:32 am #

    Ha, take a moment and be glad you’re not my dear old Dad, who was tampon purchaser, in bulk, for many years for not only my Mum but his 3 daughters. Yes, the great big box! Bless him. My sweet husband hasn’t baulked yet either, though he doesn’t do the supermarket run as often as he used to! Glad you managed to crack an unintentional joke at the checkout too!

    • daddownunder June 5, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

      Good for Papa J, sounds like he was massively outnumbered and had very little choice to be fair ; ) Thanks for stopping by Mary

  7. KezUnprepared June 5, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

    Hahaha. Hilarious. I used to send the hubby to get maternity pads. That was fun for him. I am thankful for dudes like you who take on such a mission 🙂
    If you get a funny look from a cashier, you should just shrug and say something about them being for a manly sports injury…the cutting edge in stopping nose bleeds…sports medicine blah blah 😉
    I used to be a cashier – I’d chuckle to myself – no matter how many ‘filler’ items someone bought, I could tell immediately that they only came to the shops for tampons or condoms haha.

    • daddownunder June 5, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

      Its the inner child coming out isn’t it, nothing wrong with buying condoms or tampons obviously, its just the juvenile voice inside your head. I get self conscious buying a 24 pack of toilet roll because it looks like you just plan on going home and spending the week on the toilet – juvenile! Thnaks for stopping by ; )

      • KezUnprepared June 5, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

        Oh my gosh! The toilet paper thing!! Yeah, my inner child is obviously also very alive and kicking. Can’t wait to read more of your blog.

  8. Louise Culmer June 5, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

    that is really sad. you are pussy whipped. you should make your wife buy her own tampons. She will respect you more if you don’t let her push you around like that.

    • Shayna June 5, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

      wow.. seriously?

  9. Jane June 5, 2013 at 11:20 pm #

    That is the funniest post I have read in a while! Off to fill in that follow me please bit…

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 1:22 am #

      Thanks Jane, I love that you loved it. And thanks for the follow too.

  10. IrishMum June 6, 2013 at 1:23 am #

    You are so brave 😉 LOL! When I first sent my hubby for tampons, he can home with a load of other things. He didn’t want the cashier to know he had gone in especially for tampons. hilarious.

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 3:18 am #

      Strange old bunch us men aren’t we? Thanks for sharing your hubbies pain ; )

  11. Surviving Four Kids June 6, 2013 at 1:48 am #

    LOL yeah we crossed that bridge a while ago too – when after having a baby (I don’t remember which one, too many to remember details), I ran out and he had to go to the shops for me to get some, he took the baby with him to make sure everyone knew he was there for his wife that had JUST had a baby of course! LOL He also came back with several loaves of bread, milk, chocolate, and other knick knacks like doughnuts and crap to cover them LOL – good job matey. You did good! *virtual pat on the back!*

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 3:20 am #

      Thank you, even virtual pats are quite nice. That’s the sort of thing I would do taking the baby, do you think we over think things a bit? Glad I’m not alone

  12. Carolyn June 6, 2013 at 1:50 am #

    I think that post should have come with a health warning! I was reading it to my friend and I’m pretty sure her coffee almost came out her nose which, in a juvenile kinda way, was almost as funny as your post. Oh, and the 3 male tradies in the room next door were obviously amused as well as we could hear them laughing.

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 3:22 am #

      Haha, thanks so much. I would have paid good money to see your friend dribble coffee through her nostrils though and who’d have thought trades would enjoy a daddy blogger, wonders will never cease. Glad you liked it Carolyn

  13. Kassey June 6, 2013 at 4:03 am #

    I’m so glad you called base camp to confirm details. That was a good move.

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 4:31 am #

      Yep, apparently they come in all different shapes and sizes, who knew?

  14. Reen June 6, 2013 at 4:03 am #

    I have asked him. He does do it. But I have to take photos of what I need so I can send them to his phone so that he knows EXACTLY what I want.

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 4:33 am #

      Hey Shireen, you have supplied me with a great mental image of your other half holding up the phone to the boxes : ) We might heading to Gippsland this weekend, round Inverloch way, say hi if you see me : )

  15. Amanda June 6, 2013 at 7:29 am #

    Loved reading this little story…reminded me of the first time I sent my hubby out to get some when i was ill…I went to great lengths explaining colours and shape of the box so he could grab and get to the till quickly!!!Ha ha he just wanted to get out asap.15 years later he couldnt care less about chucking them in the trolley!
    Happy days.

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 8:57 am #

      Maybe I’ll grow into the job with a little more experience Amanda, sounds like there’s hope for all of us. Glad you enjoyed

      • Amanda June 6, 2013 at 9:07 am #

        Thanks for reply ..im a stay at mum also to our 3 year old daughter.Love your blog its a scream must be our English sense of humour …LOL X

      • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 9:17 am #

        Don’t say it too loud Amanda, but yes ; ) Glad you’re enjoying the blog.

  16. losingmylemons June 6, 2013 at 7:38 am #

    Absolutely hilarious, luv it!

    I cannot believe I haven’t thought to send my fella to buy tampons before… what kinda fool am I?! Will remedy this today… might even ask for something obscure like a multi pack and perhaps some winged panty liners…

    Love the blog, so bloody funny! I found you via Emily over at ‘Have a laugh on me’ and I’m a huge fan of Lisa at ‘Cut My Milk’ – are all you Aussies so damn funny?

    Sarah ☺

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 9:00 am #

      Your clearly missing a trick there Sarah, go easy on hiom though if you go straight to the multi packs and things with wings you’ll scare him off for life. Start by asking him to get you some moisturiser or a women’s mag and build up to the rest. And by the way I’m as English as you Sarah : )

      • losingmylemons June 6, 2013 at 9:09 am #

        Oi Oi! Wash your mouth out son! I’m a Welsh bird mun!

        And Iv’e written a rather high-brow post about the lingo…


        I’ll let you off on the English thing ok…? 😉

      • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 9:29 am #

        My bad Sarah, I knew I was taking a risk when I punted on England, I should have played safe and gone for Brit

  17. Blog Daddy Of 4 June 6, 2013 at 1:16 pm #

    Great stuff mate, well done. My wife often sends me for the liners with wings. Rarely the tampons. Ever since the weird looks I got when I explained that they’re the best things for bullet wounds. Don’t worry, I don’t know from personal experience, someone in the army once told me.

    • daddownunder June 6, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

      Cheers fella. I had a friend who used to soak them in vodka and put them somwhere to get drunk cheaply, a ahh university how I miss thee. Bullet wounds you say, I’ll try that


  1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? | notjustamumblog - June 5, 2013

    […] I am hoping that regardless of my absence that my penchant for sharing has not faded so much to shake me of this wagon completely. Moments prior to starting this post I was staring at my renewal / subscription reminders wondering whether or not to click proceed, I decided to do nothing and read another blog that had me in absolute stitches, the laughing out loud kind, read it here https://daddownunder.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/tampons-on-the-shopping-list/ […]

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