My Fabulous New Camp Coiffeur

9 Jun

“Who is good with men?”

“Well I am but I don’t think you mean it like that, do you?”

This was the first exchange that I had with my new camp coiffeur and it set the trend for what followed. I rang up to find that my usual girl was on maternity leave – so that’s what that big bump was that kept pressing against my ear! The relationship between stylist and this particular Dad is a cherished one, you have to go through a few duds before you find ‘the right one’ and you feel a bit let down when they selfishly leave you to give birth and raise their child.

I suspect Kylie (I’ll call him Kylie because I’ve since learnt he’s a big fan and was highly impressed that my first ever album purchase was ‘Locomotion’) was trying to shock me but I like a challenge so I took him up on his offer, to cut my hair that is. I’m quite partial to a haircut, even more so since I’ve been doing the stay at home thing. It feels thoroughly indulgent to sit in a nice cosy chair for half an hour and talk about you.

I turned up at the salon, flicked through the men’s magazines I was presented with and did what I always do – I looked at all the photos to find the best looking bloke and then convince myself that if I ask for my hair to be cut like theirs then I’ll look like that. A bald man in a tight fitting t-shirt and designer stubble saunters over towards me, I don’t trust bald hairdressers, it’s like a naturist designing clothes, no?

“You’re mine sweetie, come with me”. I have never been to a brothel but I suspect that is the sort of thing you may hear if you did. I took up my seat and sat patiently while Kylie ran his fingers through my hair, first one way and then the other. “What can I do to you?” he said with a devious smile. “You mean, what can I do for you. A haircut would be super”. I am the world’s worst person at answering this question, I usually throw out a fairly abstract word and hope that they are able to interpret exactly what I mean. Previous responses have included, “I want to feel like I’ve got my money’s worth, I want to look more attractive to the opposite sex and mine and their favourite “do whatever you like”.

Today’s word was “dapper”. Dapper seemed to please Kylie, he’s quite ‘fierce’ and he doesn’t like to display his pleasure but I could see the faintest hint of a smile when I said it. “Go with Stacy and she’ll get you wet for me”. Is he always like this? It’s really, really nice having someone wash and massage your head but it’s often a 16 year old girl which makes me a little nervous. So rather than closing my eyes and giving in to it, I fight it with all my might and make inane conversation about how long she has until she is trusted with a pair of scissors and which member of One Direction is the hottest.

“So what do you do when you’re not flirting with me?”

“I’m a Daddy Blogger and stay at home dad”

“A whatty whatter”

“I write about being a Dad and whatever else might interest me”

“Are you going to write about me? You can’t use my real name and if you say anything about me that isn’t fabulous I’ll shave “bastard” into the back of your head”.

“If you start reading my blog and don’t leave any filthy comments then I will dedicate one entire post to you and your fabulousness”.

As well as using every innuendo in the Complete Works of Homo-Erotic Innuendo Volumes 1, 2 and 3, he made me laugh. I’ve had stylists literally force themselves through gritted teeth to ask “are you going anywhere on your holidays?” so this made for a pleasant change. As for the haircut, there is a very fine line between the Dapper look and the Communist Russia look, but Kylie I think you pulled it off (that’s a terrible turn of phrase to use around you).
Have you got any hairdresser experiences you’d care to share, from the fabulous to the not so fabulous? Oh and don’t forget to say hi to Kylie.

19 Responses to “My Fabulous New Camp Coiffeur”

  1. Amanda and Mike June 9, 2013 at 7:05 am #

    Matt this was hilarious …at least you were sat down lol!!! Ive just read this out to my hubby cos he wanted to know what was so funny…he said rather you than him!
    Great haircut and Hi to Kylie…
    I have had more hairdressers than anyone on this planet and im still looking for one that can be consistant !!!!!!!!!!!!
    Keep these great stories coming and have a good day with your family.

    • daddownunder June 9, 2013 at 8:42 am #

      Glad you enjoyed Amanda. Glad to hear that im not the only one on the eternal search for a good hairdresser but in Kylie I think I’ve found one. Thanks for the comment

  2. Kassey June 9, 2013 at 8:49 am #

    Oh wow. Jealous much over here. It’s been over a year since my hair’s been cut. The massage is the best bit but never long enough. Finding a good one is so hard (Uh oh).
    Def a bit of commo Russia in there but there’s nothing wrong with that.

    • daddownunder June 9, 2013 at 9:24 am #

      Get yourself booked in Kassey, sounds like you deserve it! The massage is the best bit, you just need to surrender to it. Thanks for always commenting

  3. Richard Farrar June 9, 2013 at 9:37 am #

    What a well told story. The Dapper look suits you and you’re right. Kylie did a great job; on your hair I mean. As a baldy fella, I hooted with laughter at your comment about a naturist designing clothes. This is a wonderful blog and I love reading about your adventures. I think that Max is a very fortunate kid. Please say hi to Kylie as one baldy to another.

  4. Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions June 9, 2013 at 10:14 am #

    I flipping hate it when my hairdresser goes on maternity leave. I finally found a good one and bam, go for my third appointment and she’s gone! Then the same thing happened again, at least this time she had the good sense to be due after I was so I was able to get that final, all-important pre-birth cut and colour so that was good.

    Kylie is a very good choice of moniker for your new hairdresser because you know he’ll keep coming back for more, even if you don’t want him too.

    • daddownunder June 9, 2013 at 10:41 am #

      So selfish aren’t they Kylez! I didn’t know the pre birth cut has special significance, Anna’s looked wild and untamed and sweaty on the big day. Nice Kylie gag Kylez : )

      • Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions June 10, 2013 at 1:51 am #

        Oh yes, considering all the photos you have to endure you wanna know that you don’t have the world’s worst re-growth even if you have the world’s biggest bags under your eyes! I’m still spewing that in all of Punky’s first photos with her Pop and Uncle J they are sporting the world’s worst mo’s for Movember. No more kids in November for me, I have to look at those pics forever! Lol!

      • daddownunder June 10, 2013 at 9:11 am #

        I look forward to seeing pics of your beautiful new arrival complete with your immaculate hair. All the pics I have from when I was a nipper come with bad mo’s and fro’s sported by my Dad, I think he can use the excuse that it was the 70’s though ; )

  5. Alison Hallworth (@cheekyfriend) June 9, 2013 at 10:18 am #

    Oh – great story! I always enjoy your blogs. I tried a new hair salon on Saturday morning and I sobbed through the end of it. After two hours and terrible customer service, my hair looked to be a colour only fit for public warning signs and the people were just horrid. I tried to leave and was talked back into the salon by the owner. The haircut turned out to be fine, and the colour also but the experience was unnessarily horrid. I have NEVER cried in a hair salon over my hair before (because it’s like um HAIR FFS) and am slightly embarrassed that I did. But there you go. You live and you learn.

    • daddownunder June 9, 2013 at 10:56 am #

      You do get that sinking feeling when half through a haircut you start to think “this is not going to end well”. I’ve cried on the inside a few times so I can relate. Thanks for stopping by Alison

  6. Jen June 9, 2013 at 10:30 am #

    Great post!

    The big question though… Do you stay with Kylie when your other one returns from mat leave?!

    That can be awkward : )

    • daddownunder June 9, 2013 at 10:57 am #

      Ooh Jen, you make an interesting point. Seeing as Kylie is most likely reading I will say “yes absolutely!”

  7. scattermum June 9, 2013 at 11:20 am #

    Looks and sounds like Kylie knows what he’s doing! Look forward to his next instalment. Thanks for lightening up my night!

    • daddownunder June 9, 2013 at 11:22 am #

      Glad you enjoyed, not sure he will get another instalment I think he’d take over if he could ; ) thanks for commenting

  8. Rory mouttet June 9, 2013 at 11:46 am #

    Hi Kylie 😉 very funny post Matt. P.S the hair turned out ok

    • daddownunder June 9, 2013 at 11:49 am #

      When a bloke tells you your hairs okay that is a huge compliment ; ) cheers Rory

  9. Mary J June 10, 2013 at 9:26 am #

    Great haircut! Kylie sounds like a good find! My sweet hairdresser has up sticks and left the state – he’s been cutting my hair for 17 years, I told him he was meant to see me Forever. I trailed all around the inner city following him wherever he went, but Brisbane is too far. I’m due for a cut and colour. I am dreading letting anyone else colour my hair. First World Problem eh? I suppose I’ll survive – I’m not ready to let the grey take over.

    • daddownunder June 10, 2013 at 9:37 am #

      That is some upheaval, 17 years is a whole lot of trust to try and replace, I feel your apprehension (even if we are both first world drama queens). Thanks for commenting Mary

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