Big sisters are particularly accomplished at not mincing their words, well mine is anyway, she’s been not mincing since I was knee high to a grasshopper. I was having my weekly catch up with the rellies back home, Dad was still amazed by the wonders of modern technology “incredible what they do these days isn’t, to think you can see us and we can see you and, just incredible”. Mum was deep in chatter with Max and my sister was telling it to me like it is. “Parenting has definitely aged you. Don’t get me wrong you’re still baby faced on account of not being capable of growing any facial hair but I’ve noticed in some of your pictures you have some greys coming through and the crows feet situation is in decline”.
Normally I fire back with something equal parts witty and cutting but this time I held up my hands, “you’re right Sis, parenting does age you, guilty as charged”. I have clocked the growing army of greys and I remain relatively calm about that situation, I can work with grey. Although I will look a little odd if I combine baby face with grey. But I am aggrieved to be sporting not just you’re regular run of the mill crow’s feet, these crows have in excess of 10 toes apiece, deformed crow’s feet!
My morning routine now includes 2 minutes of pushing and pressing the over seized baggage that has formed overnight and set up base under my eyes, in the hope that they finds their way somewhere useful like my lips or my Adams Apple. The eyes certainly seem to cop it in these days of sleep deprivation (in truth Max is an excellent sleeper and it’s my own addiction to watching box sets into the wee hours that’s to blame) and as well as bags and deformed crow’s feet, the eyeballs themselves are criss-crossed with little enflamed blood vessels for that blood shot look that’s so ‘in’ this season.
Not one to be defeated by common sense, harsh reality or scientific evidence, I turn to my dear friend Google for advice on how to reverse the process of aging. Acupuncture, Botox and plastic surgery were all dismissed on account of involving big, sharp, pointy, needles. Instead I am going to hit aging where it hurts with potatoes, cucumber, chamomile tea and my fingers – take that aging!
Apparently, as well as responding well to being deep fried and doused in salt, potatoes contain Catecholase which is used in some cosmetics as a skin lightener, who knew? Next I rummaged through our fridge and found the end of a cucumber, I suspect it was intended to be a critical element of Max’s lunch but some things are more important. 2 x slices of icy cold cucumbery goodness can “help to reduce puffiness and helps to diminish dark circles quickly” – bingo bango! There isn’t much a nice cup of tea can’t fix, only this time you don’t drink it you slap two soaked and drained Chamomile tea bags over your eyes for twenty minutes, or as long as it takes for your partner to lose their patience and throw them in the bin, about two minutes if you have a really patient partner like me.
The piece de resistance is known as Yo-Tox, a non surgical facelift using facial yoga and energy points to drain fluid from the eye area. And don’t worry if any of that sounded like bullshit, it comes straight out of Manhattan and no lies have ever came out of that place. This is how you get your Yo-Tox on – Sit cross-legged and place the first two fingers of each hand on either side of your nose about an inch down from the center of your eyes. This is an ayurvedic energy point. Keep a light pressure, close your eyes, and turn your eyes upwards in your head to gaze at the third-eye point – between your eyebrows. Stay for 5-10 seconds and repeat as needed to help reduce puffiness and stimulate the drainage of fluid from the eye area.”
So there you have it parent pals, late nights, little sleep, healthy portions of stress all wreak havoc in and around the eyes but with potato, tea bags, cucumber and Yo-Tox you too can turn back the clock to your glory days. Having reviewed the before and after shots I have conclusively prove that I just wasted two perfectly good tea bags, a critical element of Max’s lunch and what could have been a plate of chips. What’s your secret to keeping things looking and feeling fresh?