Given that Mrs Under and her feminine ways are at work Mon-Fri I see it as my duty to inject a little bit of Mum into my daily Dad grind. I try to be Mummy and Daddy or Dummy? That means copious amounts of kisses and cuddles. It means baking together, singing songs, passing on my dance moves and making sure his outfits pop because all of these things would happen if my good lady was on the job.
But surely ladies this is a two way street, you could all be Dummy’s too by putting some Dad into your Mummy manifesto’s. But what does it mean to parent like a Dad I hear you cry, fear not I have compiled a comprehensive list that will help you on your Dummy way.
The little packed lunch box that is packed full of delicious goodies the night before by Mummy is to be shared with a 90/10 split with the lions share going to Daddy because in our eyes we are lions.
You will learn which of the local Mums packs the best snacks and hang around them in the hope they will take pity on child and feed them too.
You will ignore the two and a half hour day sleep rule that your other half has imposed and milk that sucker for all its worth (my record is 4 hours 10 minutes).
You will learn to block out that voice that says five back to back episodes of Peppa Pig is four too many, you will even convince yourself it has educational value.
You will throw your child, it doesn’t matter how or where, you just will.
You will insist on telling your other half how tough your day has been the second they walk through the door, you will then throw your child in their general direction, put your feet up and demand a cup of tea.
You will seek acknowledgement for the chores that you have completed, albeit half heartedly. “Did you notice that I washed up my cereal bowl and left it on the drying rack, impressed?”
Any bumps, scrapes or falls are met with a GIE (generic injury response) – “get up and dust yourself down”
You will work on the key phrases to aid their language development – “I didn’t do it” and “it was him” or “Daddy is the best”.
If you feel anxious that your other half is on their way home and that they might have grounds to crack the shits for some reason or other, you will instruct your child to run towards them as they are opening the door screaming “I Love You”.
You will interpret and make use of the stroller’s water bottle holder as a piece of design genius, whoever thought to combine stroller and stubby holder is a legend.
You will come up with slogans like “a muddy child is a happy child” and “bruises = adventure” to make yourself feel better.
You will look for shortcuts in everything you do, why bother walking all the way to the bedroom to get a hanky for Max when he had two perfectly good hankies attached to his jumper also known as sleeves.
You will abandon any concerns of what the other parents think in favour of showing your child a damned good time; nothing legal is off limits.
There you have it, if you Mums can sprinkle some of these techniques into your parenting day you too can give your child the best of both worlds and parent like a Dummy. Have you picked up any parenting techniques from the Daddy in your house? Dads do you have anything to add to the list, what did I miss?
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