Things I Thought My Wife Was Saying To Me…..That Were Meant for our Toddler

For nine years it’s been all about me. If a bottom was being complimented it was a fair assumption it was mine (unless there was a rugby match on the telly), if a meal was being offered I was the most likely benefactor. But there’s a new kid on the block who has stolen my thunder. The addition of our plus one has seen me reply to many questions intended for The Boy.

“You sit there and watch Peppa Pig and I will go and get you a drink”

It’s fine I’ve actually watched all of the Peppa’s, the next one is not out for a couple more days. I’d love a gin and tonic though with a squeeze of lime.

“Quickly pull your trousers down”

Oh you mean him, sorry of course, excuse me I’ll just do these back up.

“You have THE most delectable bottom in the whole world”

Thank you very much Mrs Under yours isn’t too bad either. You don’t think it’s too……ah you’re talking to Max aren’t you?

“Dinner time! What would you like?”

Ooh this makes a nice change! How about that lovely spaghetti dish you did that time with prawns and chilli?

“That outfit looks amazing on you. All the girls are going to be checking you out”

It’s just something I threw together, it was literally the only clean thing in the wardrobe. And don’t you concern yourself with other girls, you know I only have eyes for you. Hang on why are you walking away?

“Stop poking and prodding your doodle or else it’s going to drop off”

I wasn’t poking or prodding, I was making a minor adjustment. Is that true that it can drop off?

“Come on off to bed with you, I’ll tuck you in and read you a book”

But it’s only 7:30pm? This is when I like to collapse on the sofa and complain about the dire state of Australian television shows. Unless of course it’s a steamy Jackie Collins title you’re offering? You weren’t talking to me were you?

And so most weeks for the briefest of moments I get my hopes up that I may be the beneficiary of some Max treatment. Slowly I am learning that I have slipped down the pecking order and I now occupy a place somewhere between the goldfish and Max’s Thomas the Tank Engine collection. It’s taken me 33 years to get here but I think I have finally arrived at the realisation that it’s not all about me.

Does this sort of honest misunderstanding take place in anyone elses households or is it just mine? Can anyone add to the list?